I'll say upfront, this has been a difficult post to write. I don't usually give up much of myself and what I think in my posts.
This summer I turned 45. In many ways I don't feel older than in my 20s or 30s. Sure my joints creak more than they used to and the metabolism has definitely slowed down, but I don't feel particularly old. This spring, however, my body decided to tell me differently. This is a TMI warning, so if you don't want whining or PMS bitching, turn back now.
I had a melt-down last night. It was a melt-down that was a few months in the making. The Aussie hadn't known what had been eating at me, at least anything more than normal. I have melt-downs every so often, and usually they smack him upside the head. This melt-down's origins began back in May. In June, before my trip to NYC to meet up with her and my mother, I mentioned to my older sister that I'd started getting TOM twice a month. "That's how it starts," she said. How what starts?? I thought, stress? extra exercise? It wouldn't be the first time in my history that my system got out of whack (thanks senior year in college). I wasn't thinking it was "THAT." That. Peri-menopause. This was so not right. So not what I wanted to hear. Granted, the likelihood of our having a child at this point was slim-to-none, but it hadn't been because of fertility issues on my part. We still had dreams of having a child. Dreams that have been hard put to rest and have resulted in a lot of tears and hopes being washed down the drain. But they haven't been totally been put to rest, hence part of the melt-down. (Those of you who complain about your children being annoyances and wishing that you had more time to yourself, think of the rest of us who haven't been blessed with children. Imagine your lives without them. And now go give them a hug, even if they think you're nuts.)
So I looked more stuff up online. Symptoms described by a medical type website are as follows:
changes in cycle - check (it was bad enough once a month, now I have to get it twice a month, with in-between break through to deal with too?)
hot flashes/night sweats - check (to be fair, I've always been a nuclear furnace at night, so this is nothing new)
PMS - check (hide the chocolate, kettle chips and frying pans)
unexplained weight gain - THIS IS SO NOT GOING TO HAPPEN
anger - check (fly off the broom handle anyone?)
anxiety - check (again, nothing terribly un-normal)
depression/irritability - check (what are you looking at??)
difficulty concentrating - what?
stress - Hello, I worked in NYC for almost 20 years. What's stress?
mood swings - Yeah, just ask my husband and the pork roast that got tossed back in the freezer last night. The pork roast, not my husband. He's not in the freezer.
This website quotes an unknown Dr. Northrup as follows: "Menopause is an uparalleled time to turn your life around and create a firm foundation for the most fulfilling, healthy, joy-filled years of life."
WTF?? I have to survive the "peri" part first, and I don't find ANYTHING fulfilling and joy-filled about it. I've been on the journey to lose weight and become more healthy for a little over a year now. Granted, for the last 6 months I've been losing and re-gaining the same 5 pounds of weight, but at least I've lost the 20 I gained after I moved to Texas. I've gotten on a training schedule, I've really started tracking what I'm eating, I'm going to do a half marathon in December. And now to deal with PMS, cramps from hell, water retention, bloating, cravings and becoming an uncontrollable, flaming, psychotic bitch twice a month on top of it?
Is it too much to ask for life to go back to normal?