Sunday, August 15, 2010

Is this what I have to look forward to? (TMI warning)

I'll say upfront, this has been a difficult post to write. I don't usually give up much of myself and what I think in my posts.

This summer I turned 45. In many ways I don't feel older than in my 20s or 30s. Sure my joints creak more than they used to and the metabolism has definitely slowed down, but I don't feel particularly old. This spring, however, my body decided to tell me differently. This is a TMI warning, so if you don't want whining or PMS bitching, turn back now.

I had a melt-down last night. It was a melt-down that was a few months in the making. The Aussie hadn't known what had been eating at me, at least anything more than normal. I have melt-downs every so often, and usually they smack him upside the head. This melt-down's origins began back in May. In June, before my trip to NYC to meet up with her and my mother, I mentioned to my older sister that I'd started getting TOM twice a month. "That's how it starts," she said. How what starts?? I thought, stress? extra exercise? It wouldn't be the first time in my history that my system got out of whack (thanks senior year in college). I wasn't thinking it was "THAT." That. Peri-menopause. This was so not right. So not what I wanted to hear. Granted, the likelihood of our having a child at this point was slim-to-none, but it hadn't been because of fertility issues on my part. We still had dreams of having a child. Dreams that have been hard put to rest and have resulted in a lot of tears and hopes being washed down the drain. But they haven't been totally been put to rest, hence part of the melt-down. (Those of you who complain about your children being annoyances and wishing that you had more time to yourself, think of the rest of us who haven't been blessed with children. Imagine your lives without them. And now go give them a hug, even if they think you're nuts.)

So I looked more stuff up online. Symptoms described by a medical type website are as follows:

changes in cycle - check (it was bad enough once a month, now I have to get it twice a month, with in-between break through to deal with too?)
hot flashes/night sweats - check (to be fair, I've always been a nuclear furnace at night, so this is nothing new)
PMS - check (hide the chocolate, kettle chips and frying pans)
unexplained weight gain - THIS IS SO NOT GOING TO HAPPEN

anger - check (fly off the broom handle anyone?)
anxiety - check (again, nothing terribly un-normal)
depression/irritability - check (what are you looking at??)
difficulty concentrating - what?
stress - Hello, I worked in NYC for almost 20 years. What's stress?
mood swings - Yeah, just ask my husband and the pork roast that got tossed back in the freezer last night. The pork roast, not my husband. He's not in the freezer.

This website quotes an unknown Dr. Northrup as follows: "Menopause is an uparalleled time to turn your life around and create a firm foundation for the most fulfilling, healthy, joy-filled years of life."

WTF?? I have to survive the "peri" part first, and I don't find ANYTHING fulfilling and joy-filled about it. I've been on the journey to lose weight and become more healthy for a little over a year now. Granted, for the last 6 months I've been losing and re-gaining the same 5 pounds of weight, but at least I've lost the 20 I gained after I moved to Texas. I've gotten on a training schedule, I've really started tracking what I'm eating, I'm going to do a half marathon in December. And now to deal with PMS, cramps from hell, water retention, bloating, cravings and becoming an uncontrollable, flaming, psychotic bitch twice a month on top of it?

Is it too much to ask for life to go back to normal?


  1. It is not too much to ask for {hug}. Kyra, as a mother myself, I often wonder why people complain so much about their children - no one forced them to have them in the first place. I am sorry. I wish I could say something that would help you, but just know that I heard what you said and hope you feel better soon.

  2. {{{{{{Kyra}}}}}}

    Dr. Christiane Northrup is an amazing doctor and I highly, highly recommend her book The Wisdom of Menopause.

    Also, let me say that seeing a hormone specialist and getting my hormones back in balance has been the main reason I am doing so much better than I was a year ago. And that includes losing weight more easily, feeling happier, less achy, less depressed, less angry, less anxious...all of it. You are most likely estrogen dominant and getting some progesterone (in the form of bioidentical cream) into your system can do wonders. I am living proof of that.

    If you want to talk, I'd be more than happy to!! Seriously!

  3. It gets better. Going through that part of your life can be confusing. I'm on the other side of menopause and it's GREAT! I had to have an oblation because of excess bleeding and it was the best thing I ever did. No more problems.

    Sorry that you haven't had children. We wanted several and only got one because my husband had issues. My son is grown up and married. There was not one moment that I said I wish I had more time for me. I knew he was a miracle. Have you thought about adopting?